You Make Me Smile

2008-01-10T13:35:00.001-08:00

Maybe God tunes into our lives like a couch potato scratching His balls. Or, if life is a pinball machine, let's say He puts in the quarter and pulls the lever--

It was unseasonably warm yesterday.

Release!

I didn't bring a coat when I left my apartment.

Ping!

I was cold by the time I got off the bus at my friend's place.

Ping ping!

I buzz a couple times 'cause I'm freezin' my tail off.

Ping ping ping!

Inside, she hurries to the door even though she just got out of the shower and is only wearing a towel.

Ping ping ping--warp zone! Prepare shuttle for takeoff!

She unlocks the apartment door, goes to grab the outer door--

Ping ping ping--Shuttle now entering bay--

--but the first door slips out of her hands.

PING PING PING PING PING WE HAVE LIFTOFF!

And that is how me and my friend wearing only a towel got stuck outside her apartment.

>>>>>>>>>>>NEW HIGH SCORE>>>>>

First, I offered her Chiclets.

Next, we realized I didn't have her live-in boyfriends' number in my phone. Nor did she know any more of it than the area code, which made me immediately think, Man, I'd better learn mine's number in case I ever get stuck outside my apartment in my towel. Though it might be a moot point because I don't think I'd have the balls to knock on my neighbor's door, as they spent the day after I had a particularly loud hook up playing accoustic guitar versions of "Halleluia" from Shrek.

We called my sister, who--because she works constantly--was still at a computer. She emails the boyfriend, also at work, and tells her my friend's message: "Come home now. Will pay for cab. Call Bridge at 917-xxx-yyyy to let us know you got this."

Then we wait.

We chew Chiclets.

We catch up on girl talk.

I try not to think about how much I had to pee when I got on the bus, and how I'd told myself no worries, it's only a little while till you get there.

We see the door start to open and prepare to meet the first neighbor in our hallway toga party.

And that's when her other roommate enters.

We were saved.

And here I thought my top stories for this week would be the Back to the Future psychic or the Kamikaze Mouse.

-BB

2007-10-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really miss my folks, Mom, Dad, lil' Muff (our toy poodle with the pickle tail). I can imagine them right now. They probably need to turn off the dining room light:
"Paul."
"I'm watching a movie."
"Pauuuul."
"I'm watching a moooviiiieee."
"It's your turn."
"Five minutes."
"What does this ring say?"
"That if you hit me, it'll hurt?"
"..."
"Fine. But now I'll just have to guess if she kept the baby."
"Why did I marry a man who watches Lifetime?"
---------------
Apparently, now, in addition to Lifetime, my dad's started watching telenovelas with my mom. She says he keeps trying lines on her: "Your father thinks he's Rico Suave."
---------------
In other news, this morning Muffin was yipping pitifully. Mom went looking for her in the backyard; nothing. Upstairs; nothing. She went to her bedroom, and there was Muffin, trapped inside her own puppy sweater.
Oh, my little pickle tail.
Sometimes you are too cute for words.
I mean, nearly dead, but so darn cute.
-BB

2007-10-08T08:47:00.001-07:00

Federal holidays aren’t so much for dead white dudes as they are against people with crappy jobs.
“What if I were to tell you there was a way to make plebians work an extra day and no one else? I GIVE YOU FIRST MONDAY!”
“But won’t they notice we’re only working people who work crazy hours anyway?”
“Here’s the brilliant part, Augustus, we’ll use our name to make it seem like we don’t even WANT to work people. Like even making them work is a high crime. A Federal Holiday!”
“Brava, Julian, brava. I’m raising my Etruscan goblet to you.”
“Piffle, Lucian.”
“I’m heralding your idea on my diamond-crusted coronet.”
“Augustus, really…”
“No, no, Julian, it’s this kind of forward thinking that assures that of all the founding fathers, we shall be the ones to go down in the history books.”
“To Federal Holidays!”
“To Federal Holidays!”
Glasses clink as trumpeting begins.

2007-08-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

Them’s Fightin’ Words

When I was little, I wanted glasses so bad. I'd steal 'em from my sister, lock myself in the bathroom...she'd be banging on the door, "Give those back! I have a stigmatism!" "Well, I wanna play twenty-eighteen!"
--------
I had a stage combat class once. The instructor teased me 'cause I was never in a real fight before. "Don't you know how to punch, kid?" I'm a girl. Why throw punches when you can throw bad memories at people? "I hate you." "Well, I hate you." "This is just like the time you made Mom cry in her mashed potatoes." "Ahhh! Christmas to the face!"
-----------
Have you ever seen the store Buy Buy Baby? This baby supply store? Me & my friend Ben were walking by it last night, and I was like, "Wouldn't it be great if a clinic was next door, Bye Bye Baby. And one girl's out front, freakin' out, 'Homonyms confuse me! Fuuuuuck!' "
--------
BB

2007-08-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

There goes geometry.
I can't get the song from a commercial out of my head this morning from when I was little...The jingle goes like this in my head: "Playskool Dinosaurs are big an' strong an' tough! Teeth an' claws an' scales! I can move their tails! I can play with 'em real rough!"
And then another kid goes "Rwarrr!! Beat ya!"
It's memories like this that replaced history, geometry, and my formative years.
----------------
Johnson & Johnson, in the crappiest PR move since Lindsay Lohan's holiday snow globes--buy some snow this Christmas!--

has decided to sue the Red Cross over use of the red cross symbol on packages of goods designed to give the "in the red" Red Cross a source of income besides donations. Okay, so maybe the Red Cross shouldn't have stepped over the line and given their personal symbol to the packages of Johnson and Johnson's competition. But let's be real: this coveted symbol is a red plus sign. A red plus sign. Who's J&J suing next? Scholastic? The makers of Wingdings? Programming codes? First Response Pregnancy tests? Hell, I got news for you, buddy, the Fitzgerald clan's had that symbol and it predates both you and Clara Barton--

Eat it, corporate world trying to copyright something that is clearly universal.
Also, this whole opening statement just makes me feel grimy to have to type. Someone's suing the Red Cross. Yeah, the people who spend the majority of their day picking up Mother Nature's shits. Great. Now a little less money can go where it's needed, and a little more into a giant corporation's pocket. No one is a winner. Cat game. Start over.
----------------
If you wanna play Where's Waldo with live action people, try looking for me in this photo from Improv Everywhere I did on Saturday...here's a hint: I'm wearing a blue shirt, am by myself, and am near two picnics. Oooh! Won't Wanda and Woof be jealous??

2007-06-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

I learned yesterday that I feel uncomfortable referencing the Uncle Remus fable "The Tar Baby." I want to call it "That Story Where the Other Guy Was Brer Rabbit--Remember?--and It Was Later Told as an Anansi the Spider One?" but I can't because A) that's a mouthful and B) that's not it's real name and both I and the fable know it. Basically, I feel white people guilt about things I have never done, guilt about using this term because it later became something else entirely.
Like how no one talks about Hitler's art work.
And it makes me feel bad for that fable. The fable didn't ask for that to happen to it. No one asks for life to mess with it over time, for bad things to become associated with it.
If the fable had gotten molested, surely you could still talk with the fable. Invite the fable out for coffee and snickerdoodles sometime. It's still a good story deep down underneath all that ugliness that happened to it.
Plus, it's an outcast fable. It's the only fable that's ever had that happen to it. No one freaks out about other fables. No one's like, "What do you mean, Tortoise and the Hare ? You sexist bastard."
So I freak out. I even want to delete this whole post right now, even though that's the name of the fable.
That's the name of the fable!
But it doesn't stop it from being weird typing it.
-BB

2007-04-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Sure, I turned 25 this week, so everything's been hectic, hazy. Crazy. I can see why you thought you could slip stuff by me on the tippy toes of slow news days.
BUT YOU CAN'T.
Who do you think you're messing with, New York? My name on the street was Eagle Eyes, Eagle Eyes Fitzgerald. BOO YAH! And this eye's on you, Manhattan, much like the light of Sauron but in a less creepy, disembodied way.
This week the eagle eye caught:
---------
*Immigrants Week totally snowed by Earth Day Week.

Who wants to do some hard-to-find museum crawl when you can get free stuff at Grand Central? Yeah, we're proud of our heritage. Proud enough to eat free granola far far away from it.
---------------
*Four women getting sentenced for gang attacking a man they claimed had threatened them with anti-lesbian calls and strangulation.
One of these so-called gang members was 4'11" tall and less than a hundred pounds. That's my kinda gang, the Ain'tGotAChanceInHellofMuggingAnyone gang. Who's the Blood to their Crips? MWA, Midgets with Attitude? -------------------
*The Tribeca Film Festival has to have a panel on Sunday to defend why women are funny because of a recent Stanford study.Woman not funny. As long as woman not Carol Burnett, Janine Garofalo, Rosie O' Donnell, Charna Halpern, Goldie Hawn, Ana Gastayer, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Sarah Silverman, Maya Rudolph, Julia Sweeney, Amy Poehler, the cast of Sex and the City, Whoopi Goldberg, Gracie Allen, Luceille Ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Wendy Liebman, Kathy Griffin, the cast of Golden Girls, Ellen DeGeneres, Margaret Cho, Phyllis Diller, Vicki Lawrence, the cast of Absolutely Fabulous, Joan Rivers, Laraine Newman, Cheri Oteri, Rita Rudner, Minnie Pearl, Paula Poundstone, Molly Shannon, Lily Tomlin, Wanda Sykes, or Gilda Muthafuckin' Radner!
Why are they getting funding to do this study anyway? Who's their backer, the Fourth Reich? And Stanford. Yeah, that name's synonymous with people who know how to have a good time and enjoy a good joke. I bet they're about as funny as the MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour.
-------------------
These are just a taste, a snippet, a JennaSayWhaa! of what the Eagle Eye is monitoring. Remember: I'm keepin' an eye out, New York City. So you keep your nose clean. Or as clean as it can be with a couple homeless guys shoved up it.
-BB

2007-04-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

The Door Stays Closed: How a Professor at Virginia Tech Saved His Students' Lives

In all the chaos of the news yesterday with the massacre at Virginia Tech, I found my eyes watering at the gym as I couldn't look away from the news. A recent college grad myself, the thought of parents not knowing whether their child was involved, that these were just kids who hadn't gotten out into the world, that they were locked in like cattle with no warning and no way out, all these things combined for a perfect storm of sadness.
And then I saw a picture. And I need to share with you.

It's an average looking suit on an average looking guy. Some fading grey hair, a few wrinkles, but nothing extravagant; nothing pops out. He could be on any page of a college directory.
But this gray suit is special.
The man inside is Liviu Librescu.
He's a real hero.
Liviu was a professor at Virginia Tech, an older professor, 75, who'd been around. A Holocaust survivor, he'd lived in two countries (the US and Romania), was married, published multiple times, served on editorial boards, advisory boards, international boards...
And made sure a door stayed closed.
The shooting started quickly early yesterday morning. There wasn't time for long pondering. There was only a split second, a sliver of time just wide enough for action. Liviu, who heard the sounds of the gunshots and understood what was going on, crossed to the door and made sure his door was closed. When the shooter pushed the door, Liviu stayed by that door, fighting him away from this classroom, from these students. And when the shooter finally pried the door open, Liviu physically threw himself in front of him, dying in the process.
It may not be the touch of her husband, nothing can bring that back, but his widow can have some solace in knowing that in the face of terror, in that split second, her husband got up, walked towards it--
And made damn sure his door stayed closed.

2007-02-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Brit Brit,

I saw your new look in the Post yesterday, and again on the three different TV sets while doing my laundry. And I have to say, honey, maybe you shoulda brought a picture. I find it helps me when getting a haircut to have something, just a little nothing piece of paper to flash the guy that makes sure what's going on in his scissor land brain

is the same as what's going on in the rest of what I like to call "Live With It Land."
For instance, without this nice picture of Eva Longoria,

your could come out looking like this

Or even this.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you wanted to bring in a picture of the super hot Demi Moore.But you brought the wrong one. Was it this one, Britney?

Oh, Britney. So close yet so far.

Don't worry. If I've learned anything about hair, it's that it'll grow back.

Hugs,
BB

2007-02-16T16:47:00.000-08:00

BB IS PROUD TO PRESENT ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN RECEPTIONIST HISTORYYYYYYYYYYY

"Can I place an order for delivery?"

"Yes."

So far so good. "I'd like a steak."

"A what?"

"A... steak. Cooked medium. With a baked potato, loaded, butter and sour cream."

"Do we serve steak?"

"You did last time I ordered it."

"Oh! A lamb chop?"

"No. I want a cow."

"Veal cutlet?"

"No, I'd like an old cow. Cooked medium. Cow."

"She says she wants a cow."

"A cow in steak's clothing."

"How do you want the lamb cooked?"

"How warm does it have to be for the lamb to moo?"

"Oh! You want a broiled steak?"

"Broiled, boiled, whatever you do when you cook the cow medium."

"You get a side, I think...?"

"A potato."

"What do you want on the potato?"

"Butter. Sour cream."

"You're funny. She's so funny."

"Don't thank me, thank the condiments."

"This is my first day on the job."

"You're doing great so far. So, we've got the steak slash cow that lived a little, medium, the potato, the butter, the sour cream--"

"Cows! She eats cows!"

"It's not really for me," and I'm kinda wishing at this point he was on the phone instead of me... "But I thank you anyway."

"Okay, I think I've got it. Thanks!"

"Thanks!"

(hang up the phone)

Guy next to the phone, observing half of the whole thing: "You know you're not getting any of that, you know that, right? It's gonna get here and be a pastrami sandwich."

"I have faith."

-BB

2007-02-15T11:07:00.001-08:00

*DO NOT READ THIS POST UNLESS YOU ARE INTERESTED IN STORIES CONCERNING DOG POOP*

Okay. Now that I've got the people I can hang with sorted out.
Welcome to my poop story.

It is not about my personal poop.

Okay, so, there's a weird thing that happens with below freezing temperatures in NYC. The dog poop freezes. How do I know this, you ask? Well, I was supposed to step in poop the other day but I ended up drop kicking it, making it fly, skidding, down the sidewalk. It was like skipping stones. If stones were made out of poop. I tell you, it's possibly the most fun I've had with the same ol' shit. Not like I turned into friggin' David Beckham and scored goals with it, I'm just saying...way better than wearing it.
-BB

2007-02-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, you know how on gmail there's the gaim? Like gmail's version of aim? Okay, so you have to change your status on there, right? So I'm typing in mine, "Getting into my VD Plans". Except then someone starts talking to me. So I start chatting, and then five minutes later, I go back to see that my status reads "Getting into my VD."

I'M AWESOME.

-BB

2006-12-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

Special Bulletin, this just in: Freak Deer Found!

In Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin,

Wait. That's not right. That's not even the right state. Don't we have money in the budget for at least a nice drawing?

That's better.

In Fon Du Lac, Wisconsin, a hunter has reported catching a very unusual deer. The specimin has seven legs including some miniature legs resembling claws as well as both male and female organs. The hunter, Rick Lisko, told reporters he caught the elusive hermaphroditic deer when the deer quote ran under his truck. He proceeded to take pictures of the specimin for posterity and then, with the help of local Eden Meat Market employee John Hoffman, skinned and ate it. Here to comment is our own Hunter Tom. Hunter Tom?

Hey y'all. What's goin' on? How's yer mamma? Tell 'er to save me some o' them eggs. The good 'uns. Like 'em wat-try. Lemme jes do this right quick. Freak deer found! Hunter Tom likes the ring to 't. God's seven-leggéd mammal creations finally gettin' the front page treatment they des'rve.

But you know what I like better 'n that?

I like how havin' seven legs didn't stop 'im from eatin' it. It looks like a crab-deer but he's like, tuckin' into it. It's like, he's settin' there, after the deer's "ran under his truck"--yeah, right, If I Hit It--and he's thinking, "twice as many legs? Means twice as good." Grunt grunt. "Mangina? Bring it on."

Dude, I am a hunter--as suggested by my name, Hunter Tom--and even I wouldn' go there. Seven legs? Throw that 'un back.

Thank you, Hunter Tom. That's it for the news. Rock out with your news out.

-BB

2006-12-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

TODAY IN HISTORYYYYY YYY YYYYY

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today marks the anniversary of the death of John Lennon, and fans around the globe have been playing tributes all day in memoriam,

causing people around them to join in choruses of, "Hey Jude, I wanna punch myself in the face," and "All you need is to shut the hell up."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A team of scientists in Vienna have whipped up a robot that makes mixed drinks. The robot, named Chapok,

is a product of Roboexotica, an annual robot exhibition featuring quirky robots. Among Chapok's amusing sayings include a quip to female customers of, "Hey you sweet thing, have you ever had a date with a robot?" to which his first female customer replied, "Great, now I have to find the robot equivalent of mace. Thanks a pantload, Vienna."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police officers in Orlando, Florida are dressing up as elves

to catch speeders. They're calling the campaign Operation ELF: Enforcing Limits and Fining (speeders). Some say that the use of the Christian holiday's character is infringing on separation of church and state. To remedy that, officers are launching simultaneous programs, Operation OIY: Officers in Yarmulke, and Operation KSNOCEN: Kwanzaa Symbols No One Can Easily Name.

"Do you know how fast you were going? Or what these candles are called?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it for the news, rock out with your news out.

-BB

2006-12-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

A high school student's sign displayed during the running of the Olympic torch through a small town is getting media coverage again today as its case reaches the Supreme Court. Kenneth Starr is defending the high schooler, whose displayed sign, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus," got him suspension and, according to Starr, infringed on his freedom of speech. Prosecutors say the student is responsible for many untoward signs, namely, "Coffee for Confuscious,"

"Beer for Buddha,"

and "Acid for Condoleeza Rice." In St. Louis, a surprised customer opened a box of what should have been a repaired Sony videocamera and instead found a jar of pasta sauce. When asked to comment, a Sony representative said, "You like-ah the sauce, eh? The sauce...it's ah good, eh? I get you more sauce."

The couple says they will not be returning to Best Buy. At least until the day after Christmas.

This is the news for the night, people. Rock out with your news out.

-BB

2006-11-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following news report is best read to Fergie's "Here I Come."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here I come. With the news of the night.

President Clinton has made an agreement with two Indian pharmaceutical companies to make drug prices lower for HIV-positive chidren. The Clinton Administration says the companies have promised prices as low as sixteen cents a day, sixty dollars a year. This has been widely hailed as one of the best political drug deals of recent years, spurring some to say, "Who does Clinton think he is? Marion Barry?"

Today the lead singer of the Wiggles, a popular children's music group, is going to leave the band after claiming a chronic condition that causes dizziness, fatigue, and nausea. Can I say that that...that's just bull.

(tearing up notes)

Look. Quitters never win, and winners never quit. Look at Lance Armstrong. Do you think your work, dancing and hopping around in badly rhymed couplets for barely post-fetal children who can't stop drooling on themselves is harder than winning the Tour de France seven times after having cancer in your brain, lungs, and testicular nether region? You think on that while you're sitting in your livingroom, eating a bag of Cheetos

and watching Will and Grace reruns

wondering if this is where your life is headed if you don't get your act together and find someone out there who likes dogs, long walks on the beach, holds doors open for you, and can stand your mother-- Think on that.

(picking up next set of papers, smoothing hair back into place)

Now.

In other news, I guess I'm gonna have to return all this hot Wiggle merch. That's it for the news. Rock out with your news out.

2006-11-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

From the makers of

comes

The six-year old that dare not speak during nap time.

Commentary includes interviews with child care experts from fields stretching from politics

to pop music!

Never has the *()&udge word so thrillingly touched your heart. Or any other place.

COMING SOON TO THEATRES NEAR YOU!

2006-11-17T13:39:00.000-08:00

Alright--today, we're gonna talk turkey. THANKSGIVING TURKEY, THAT IS!*

Whoo! I slay me.

Turkey: tasty holiday treat or gateway to holiday evil, an "abandon all hope ye who enter here" of the poultry variety?

T-day, as I like to call it, has over the recent years served as a dear autumn foil to Valentine's Day. While the latter reminds me I am quite single, T-day casts light on my other failing: I can't cook. And I'm single. Which may be because I can't cook. There are several moments during the ritual of T-day when this becomes apparent:

1--When my youngest sister instructs me on how to chop vegetables just *a little bit finer*

2--When my older sister shows off this year's homemade stuffing recipe and I reminisce about the last time I prepared stuffing...using Stovetop...or did I simply watch the commercial and claim that as my own memory the same way I did with the Hallmark ads...

"Wait. Are you telling me my grandmother didn't die in a fiery car crash after tucking away one final Christmas card on my fridge door?"

3--Setting the table with my father, who can cook but likes to keep me company in the same friendly gesture he used to do when letting me win chess matches when I was five

4--My uncle Tony arrives and he and Tony Jr. take turns telling the story about how I tried to make a spinach casserole for Thanksgiving--three years ago--and how everyone threw their portions away after one bite

I have this to say...

Bring it, T-day. Bring it on. You don't scare me with your miles of day-after-Thanksgiving shopping, your early-putting-up-the-Christmas-tree-including-ex-boyfriends-ornament-five-years-later or even your patented emarassing-casserole-story-told-so-many-times-last-year-I-feared-making-toast-for-the-meal. I'm not cowering in a corner until the pumpkin pie hits the table. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna hussle and I'm 'onna hit it and I'm gonna bring back the kind of memories others only dream about! WHAT, THEN, BITCHES?

Can I get a whoo whoo?

Can I get a what what?

Which means I'm gonna have to come up with something better to make this year than casserole.

-BB

*this joke brought to you by Laffy Taffy.

2006-10-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

I nominate myself today for the day's

Today's Who Does That concerns playing like you're using an electronic device. Yes, akin to children playing phone with a banana or a hairbrush or a representative of Congress.

In my building, there is free internet in the basement laundry room. So I went down there, no laundry, to use a laptop & check some emails. However, when I got there, the laptop took an obscenely long time to boot. We're talking weeks. We're talking like time it takes W to read Green Eggs and Ham.

Anyway, someone came up and put in laundry, saw me, and was like, "Oh, there's internet down here?" I say, "Yes." However, I don't want to have a conversation forever with this person, just check my email. So I start pretending like the computer's working. Well, most people in my building drop in their laundry and go on their merry way. Not this time. This girl wanted to stick around. So there I am, typing away like a toddler playing xylophone. I think most of my sentences went something along these lines...

la la la la la

I feel like a dummy.

I can't believe I graduated college.

I'm actually amazed I haven't used backspace more.

I wish this girl would go upstairs like a normal person and not come--don't sit over--dammit.

Because of course, where else you gonna sit when someone's pretending to be on a computer than directly behind them. Boy, if that window hadn't opened RIGHT THEN, I feel I might have been forced to melt into the floor and officially die.

WHO DOES THAT??

2006-09-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today's NY "Who does that" file addition sponsered by Colgate. Colgate, asking "Who really flosses?" since 1932.Okay. So last night on the bus someone ate their own nose pickings. No, seriously. Like dug around and ate them. Before you say anything else, please consider this: age=30ish. WHAT?? Who does that?

2006-09-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

BB Ratings Today
--for the newest news on BB's Approval Ratings (BBAR), we bring you our reporter in the field--

New Desperate Housewife Nora...thumbs down

Could this woman be more annoying? Not only do I want to kill her, I want to kill the writing staff who created her when Tom and Lynette's plot line last season was the only hopeful funny one. Previews for upcoming marriage ep make me cringe.

10 minute Sessler Salsa recipe...thumbs up

Liz Sessler says combine: 1 can Goya black beans, 1 can diced stewed tomatoes, 1 can sweet corn, 1/2 packet of Sazon Goya, pinch of garlic, salt and pepper to taste.
No cooking required for a delicioso dip! Mmm Mmm bitches!

Online dating...thumbs down.

Over the weekend, while in the office, I decided to play the game that all single girls find fun, "Let's Window Shop for Men." Online, this is played through various sites where you can set up a profile and LET THE HOT GUYS ROLL IN!

If only.

Basically, today I firmly believe my picture is considered catnip for fat, aging men. It makes me feel sad when I have a full mailbox, and I open it, and there's nothing but fat, old men staring back at me. I feel like I inadvertently opened Pandora's Box and inside found the cast of Cocoon. This after saying my top age I would consider is 30. THIRTY! It makes me sad to know that these fellas are not only single at 35, but illiterate as well.

Wah wahhh.

This is your roving reporter...and now back to the news.

2006-09-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

In the news today, 11 day old baby Abby was found with kidnapper Shannon Beck and returned to her mother. Police report that it was in fact a small amount of makeup on baby Abby's forehead covering a telltale birthmark that first alerted Beck's friend to the infant's true identity. Her mother stated, when asked by officials, "Thank God she wasn't sent to the L'Oreal-Paris Makeup Room. She could have found her true match concealer and still be lost." When officials did search the L'Oreal-Paris Makeup Room, they found an infant wearing this:

2006-09-19T15:12:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday, and that means it's time for...
BUM BUM BUUUUM

Mmm MMM bitches! Who likes leftovers? Nobody can turn down a yummy day young pot roast. Unless you have new pot roast. Or money to go out.

Today's leftovers are brought to you in part by my Sunday afternoon. I went rock climbing, and I now have the marks to prove it. Near bruises are full-blown, as are bug bites that I hadn't noticed while clinging to the side of a rock face recounting happy moments at sea level in my youth.

My favorite of these crazy red lumps is the one DIRECTLY IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD.

My bindi, as I like to call it, refuses to be covered by anything less than two layers of makeup. So, while standing in my bathroom, attacking Mt. Killamysexdrive, I found myself singing a little ditty. That's right, let's pull out some light

WORKIOKE!

(to the theme of "My Buddy")

My bindi
My bindi
Wherever I go, he goes first and causes laughter from small children
My bindi
My bindi
My bindi and meeeeee!

2006-09-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

George Clooney today talked with the UN about the US's total uninvolvement in an egregious waste of human life that could be avoided if the US stepped in. It was rebroadcast on The Today Show and Good Morning America, and largely the talk of the news today.

To catch up those news-hatin' post-teens like me who don't know Darfur from Buffalo, Wikipedia has this to say about Darfur:
" By the summer of 2004, 50,000 to 80,000 people had been killed and at least a million had been driven from their homes, causing a major humanitarian crisis in the region...On January 31, 2005, the UN released a 176-Page report saying that while there were mass murders and rapes, they could not label it as genocide because "genocidal intent appears to be missing."

Darfur: an incredible amount of raping, pillaging, murdering, and suffering most of us didn't pay attention to until it was brought to life by a celebrity. Today when googling Darfur after Clooney's appearance at the UN, two news headlines appeared immediately:

Blair: Darfur situation is unacceptable - Jerusalem Post - 59 minutes ago
Bush urges UN to act on Darfur - Seattle Post Intelligencer - 2 hours ago

A celebrity may have just changed the course of history. A celebrity may have just been responsible for the US stepping in on what has been going on for at least the past 3 years.

A celebrity.

It makes me feel kind of small to think that I cannot for some reason get my credit cards to budge much, or my weight to drop much, or my love life in line much. But it does make me feel better to think that in a world populated by billions of people, at least there's one who can stand out.

One voice can change something, eventually.

And maybe it won't change overnight, and maybe this is like the attention paid to the tsunami victims or the New Orleans hurricane survivors where it's the focus one day, out the next.

But there remains hope.

And, as another voice once said, "Courage is like love; it must have hope to nourish it." Napoleon Bonaparte.

2006-09-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there are some things left over from college that have continued into my YMMS life: a love for John Mayer, a Goonies tee shirt that falls apart, and my automated response to questions I don't have the answer to of "Your mom." Normally, the last one induces a fit of giggles uh, from myself, because A) I'm a sucker for dorky things like Dude Where's My Car and B) I have the uncanny ability to crack myself up. I can't explain it. In theory, comedy is part element of surprise; maybe I have a hilarious alterpersona?
"Hey have you heard this one?"
"Never!"
"Wanna go talk to your dog later?"
Anyway, today, while at work, my boss comes over, picks up a menu and says, "Who's fast?"

I had to bite my cheek. It's true. Bite marks imminent.

"Umm...wanna know who's easy, too?"

2006-09-08T10:34:00.001-07:00

The American Red Cross was hit today with a 4.2 million dollar fine for improperly assessing its donors according to FDA guidelines. Said a government representative, “This’ll teach you Katrina survivors to get all uppity about your so called blood donation needs. There’s always time for red tape.” Next on the agenda for the FDA? Declaring war on the Salvation Army.

Governor Ahnold Schwarzenegger apologized today for comments made during a meeting describing Cubans and Puerto Ricans as temperamental because of their quote black blood and Latino blood end quote. In other news, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mel Gibson, and Tom Cruise are starting up their own production company, “Douchebags No One Will Hire.” Working title.
Today, Microsoft opened the doors to a high school called the School of the Future in Philadelphia Pennsylvania. After three years of planning, Microsoft opened its doors. The kids claim to love the school, especially recess Free Cell games and rebooting their homerooms.

Simpsons creator Matt Groening announced today that The Simpsons, now heading into its 18th season, has quote no signs of stopping end quote. Environmental scientists revised their earlier predictions, and are now saying there are two things that will survive nuclear holocaust: roaches and plastic Bart figurines. That’s the news for tonight. Rock out with your news out.

2006-09-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

1. Fashion Week begins today! By checking the schedule...PR is going to be hitting the tents 9am a week from today. Which means for the laymen, 9:05 next Friday--pinkisthenewblog will mysteriously have pics of PR people hanging around the tents. Ooh! I can't wait. I will sneak in disguised as Betsey Johnson. Luckily, not even Betsey Johnson's family can recognize her on a bad hair day.

<--Me last Halloween.
2. This crazy old guy on the train on the way in kept staring at me like I was a free tube of Fixodent. Every time I looked over, there was his puffy face. Imagine a kid trying to hold his breath. That was how his face looked; kinda like this:
<---"Call me PuffGranpa"

3. My horoscope today: Muster up the courage to face your relationship fears head-on. Once you actually see what they are, they'll be reduced from monsters to teensy-weensy bugaboos.

Oh, Yahoo! Astrology, how you touch my heart a little more each time you use words like bugaboo. Raise your hand if you're my secret astrologer!

I knew it!

4. Did anyone else notice Justin Timberlake's shoutout to my blog in SexyBack?

"Make me smile/go 'head child and get your sexy on"

Will do, Mr. Timberlake. Will do.
TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!

2006-09-01T12:53:00.000-07:00

Two thoughts for today:

1) Wouldn't it be awesome if you had like a dastardly villain you fought at every step like your own Wario? I mean, maybe not awesome in the wow, we should do this every day way. But like awesome in the, man, my life is totally more entertaining way. I think my villain would be Doc Oc. And if I were to go grocery shopping, he'd be like putting things in my basket I didn't choose...and then I'd hear like giggling from the other side of the aisle.

"Doc Oc, get out from behind that Cream of Wheat and show yourself!"

2) Drunken text messages in the morning are like Christmas--sometimes you wake up and it's a "Wow! That's exactly what I wanted!" and sometimes it's like you get granma's knitted sweatpants.

"Thanks. That's really...uh. Interesting?"

Maybe we should make decoder rings for some of them.

"Hold on, I can't take the call yet. I'm busy with 'missyurhaveprettymouth.' Quick. What'd you get for 'Waitress lookshotyouhotmore?' "

2006-08-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been lately interested in finding out more about plus size modeling. It's for girls my height and weight, so I was curious. Did you know that there's a plus size Emme doll out there in the world? No, totally true. Here she is in her LA/NY outfit:

Okay, I know I'm gonna sound heinous, but...

It'd be like playing with someone's mom. She even has mom hair.

Even though I totally give her mad props for making a realistic sized woman doll, I have to say: compared to Barbie, it makes her look fat. It's fat girl Barbie. I know that this is programming, that 67% of US women are size 12 and higher, and that airbrushed Katie Couric lost 20 lbs in the blink of a mouse,

but it doesn't stop me from saying: if I were a kid and my mom got me the Emme doll, I'd hate my mom like she was Bree from Desperate Housewives. And I might get beaten up for just having the fat Barbie. I mean, even the box is reflecting my own dilemma:

"NOTE: EMME® can share shoes, gloves, earrings and many similar accessories as Tonner’s 16” Tyler Wentworth® doll."

Yes, share shoes, but if you give Emme one of Barbie's dresses, she might pop a button, or Barbie'll accuse her of stretching out the arms of her "Malibu Mayhem" outfit.

Oh, who am I kidding? For all my luck, I'll get mine under the tree next to my collectible "Memoirs of a Geisha: You Are Ready, Sayuri" set.

2006-08-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

Why do New Yorkers bother with small purse-sized umbrellas? I mean, when the wind gets started, they're the first to flip inside out. They fit in your purse, yes, but then what do you do when they get wet? You have them outside your purse anyway.

They're so alluring, though.

Just like all the other things made to fit in your purse--tiny phones, tiny wallet, cute tiny dogs (did I mention that I heart yorkies?), those swipy-things that are on keychains so you don't have to dig around in your wallet for like years. Tiny, tiny, tiny!

I think all girls like most things tiny. Guys are just the opposite--everything should be bigger! Big trucks, big dogs, and spreading their legs so wide on the subway seat that the girls around them have to cross their legs to be comfortable. It's annoying. For once, I'd like to have the guts to spread out as wide as I please and see how the guy next to me likes THAT.

2006-08-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

A year after Katrina's devastating arrival, New Orleans still faces many challenges ahead. Here to talk about the state of things is Redneck Scientist Man.

Redneck Scientist Man:
One year later and still many former residents of New Orleans are in FEMA trailers littered across the city. This proves my major theory: that New Orleans is slowly turning into Kentucky. Lights!

Abandoned cars are on the rise in both areas.

They's a parallel rise in popularity of PBR.

Sudden drop in dental appointments in both areas.
This is due to lack of insurance and lost jobs in New Orleans, but it is still a similar'ty.
And finally, the 'mount of New Orleans engaged couples register'n' at Wal-Mart speaks for 'tself.

New Orleans, watch yerself. No one wants to wake up and see me. Jes' ask my sister.

Thank you Redneck Scientist Man. That's the news for tonight, folks! Rock out with your news out.

2006-08-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

FBI's hunt for polygamist leader Warren Steed Jeffs ended today as Nevada state troopers pulled over a suspect fitting his description. The suspect was found with wigs, cellphones, laptop computers, and 50,000 dollars in cash. Though he could not be positively identified as Warren Steed Jeffs since the Nevada State police computers were down, a sketch artist took this drawing:

Nevada state police computers are down? Note to self: loot Nevada.

A chemical plant explosion rocked the east side of Detroit yesterday afternoon. Police are still investigating possible causes; one reported lead is a can of Duff beer found at the site.

In Mexico City, former mayor and presidential hopeful Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador has nearly lost the election. Instead of bowing out gracefully, Obrador has publicly vowed to create a parallel government to overthrow the current government of Mexico. Calling this the "Sour Grapes Plan," Obrador plans for many reforms in his parallel government; among them, breeding giant chihuahuas, encouraging the widespread consumption of red guacamole, and wearing a hat with a W for Wexico.

President Bush, when reached for comment, said quote Doesn't matter what you call yourself, we'll still tazer your ass if you try to work an 80 hour week here. End quote. Better watch yourself, Wexico. I think W's got some sour grapes of his own.

2006-08-25T11:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went on what we here in the blogosphere call the 50 Cent Beer Safari!

(singing)

50 cent beer safari!

50 cent beer safari!

Safari fari fari!

Hey!

Okay, so all looked promising as we started our hunt. Little did we know we were in for an adventure!

CUE LIGHTNING!

We were in the middle of a promising hunt--guys galore. Columbia is back in session which means for us MBA tall men were in abundance. Also, I had a very fortuitous meeting--I met a man wearing a black polo with a white undershirt--that's right, we're talking

FATHER BEER.

Father Beer, in a sidenote, turned out to be Jewish.

Anyway, I was working wingman for my buddy, trying to get her hooked up with cute guys! Little did I know what was waiting to unfold! YES! I got myself caught in a hot fistful of boiling hot HAGMA!!

That's right, "Has-a-Girlfriend-Major-Asshole."

Did not reveal at HAGMA status until after 1)my friend left the bar (mission accomplished), 2) he had walked me home to my building 5 blocks away, and 3) he had convinced me to go for another drink at another bar 14 blocks in the other direction.

Total HAGMA status confirmed. There is but one thing I want to do to his balls if I ever see him again.

Sneaky HAGMA, you make me frown.

2006-08-24T14:18:00.001-07:00

In Cleveland, former Bishop Pilla is charged in an alleged kickback scheme that earned him over 700,000 dollars. The former Bishop is charged with taking kickbacks from companies after sending 17 million dollars worth of business their way. Pilla, in his defense, says quote, What was I to do? Jesus told me to buy a brand new diamond studded grill.

End quote.

In Texan news, son stabs mother 85 times. In a related story, "Pinata party goes horribly awry."

The FDA today approved the Plan B pill for sale over the counter for users 18 and older, ending a three year battle for approval. Here with a commentary is a four year old girl. Four year old girl?

Four Year Old Girl:My mommy says girls have a penis and boys have a vabina.

Anchor:

I...I don't think your mommy said that.

Four Year Old Girl:

My mommy says if she used the pill I might not be here now.

Anchor:

It's boys with the penis, g...

Four Year Old Girl:

Girls got the vabina!

Anchor:

Did you just say--

Four Year Old Girl:

And that if you really really love a boy, you should show him your vabina with cocoa on, tight tight, no slippy-slippy! Or no law degree for you!

Anchor:

Who chose this correspondent?

Four Year Old Girl:

Mommy said all ten of us have to work and it's either be a correspondant or work for Nike. And my hands are bad at sewing. I have small thumbs. See? I'm this many!Anchor:

Here's a cookie. Go ask your mommy where STDs come from.

Four Year Old Girl:

(rolling away) Mommy, where do Mr. Steves come from?

2006-08-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

Now for a special Intergalactic News Update--

In a meeting of today's leading astronomers in Prague, a startling announcement: Pluto no longer considered a planet.
The group of scientists have classified the heavenly body formerly known as a planet as a quote unquote 'dwarf planet.'

Scientists agree this is the most exciting thing to come out of Prague since Tickle Me Einstein.

In other global news, a Vienna girl has been found after an eight year kidnapping. The girl, Natascha Kampusch, was abducted in 1988 as a ten year old on her way to school.

A now 18 year old Kampusch was been reunited with her grateful mother who said she had quote never given up hope for Natascha's return, endquote. When reached for comment, Kampusch herself says she can't wait to hear the latest Miami Sound Machine jam, hang out with some friends in the U.S.S.R., dust off her shoulder pads, and watch Crocodile Dundee II.

Get that dirt off your shoulder...pads.

In Mumbai, India today, the recently opened restaurant in the downtown area called "Hitler's Cross" has agreed to change its name due to public pressure.
Owners are considering "Hitler's Plus Sign," "Hitler's Swirly Thingy," and the ever popular, "Eat Here or We'll Steal Your Family in the Night."

That's it for the news. Rock out with your news out.

2006-08-23T13:58:00.003-07:00

In World News, an Iraqi captain whose ship had been saved from marauding Somali pirates by the Seychelles government lost the rights to his ship in order to pay for the Seychelles assistance, prompting many to ask: Where the hell is Seychelles?

Sucks when you survive knife wielding bandits but are eventually brought down by the law. Doesn’t happen every day.

The world is in uproar over the recent arrest of John Mark Karr in the JonBenet Ramsey case. Here with a commentary is Old Man Myspace. Old Man Myspace?

Old Man Myspace
(Southern drawl)
John Mark Karr has given himself up for arrest, and I have one thing to say to him. Run like hell. Run like hell, son. Don’t let ‘em ketch you with your eyes wide op’n. You’se got exper’nce. You said you were bathin’ kids an’ all before. So what’s to stop you from doin’ what you did last time you viciously murdered a toddler? Ain’t you ever watched the Great Escape? What about Cool Hand Luke? Can you dig a tunnel from where you are usin’ the lollipop candy you had in your “secret pocket” by your “pet snake”? Come on, baby—and by baby, I don’t mean molestable person you find online through clever intrigue like asking What Friends Character Are You? Hint: my name rhymes with Geebee—you gots to go! Don’t let the Po Po keep you down. Not when there’s still mo’ people out there to ask A-S-L. When’s your birthday? June 14, 1997. (winks) That’s to get you started. So make like a furbee and move your (beeps) ass. Thank you.

That is it for the news today. Rock out with your news out.

2006-08-23T13:58:00.002-07:00

In local news tonight, Kansas City’s Cristo Rey High School opened its doors today. Cristo Rey is the first school almost entirely financed by Bill Gates. Its most popular courses are Pirating Software,

Rolling Around in Money,

And Almost Getting to First Base With Your Wife

In national news, Jacksonville Florida has made National Geographic’s list of 31 quote Amazing Adventure Towns. Amazing Adventure. As a town known for its late night eateries

and youthful drivers,

It’s hard to believe no one has given Jacksonville this honor before.

Jacksonville joins the rank of other Amazing Adventure towns, Cairo, Lake Placid,

and that town where the guy was eaten by a grizzly bear.

This in from future news. Next week, the editors of National Geographic are eaten by a grizzly bear in Jacksonville, Florida.

2006-08-23T13:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so last night on the bus back home, I couldn't figure out if obvious was with a d or a b (obvious v. odvious). I kept saying it out loud, whispering it to myself, but I think it's like the more you say something, the less it looks like a word, the more confusing it gets.

Obviously.

Anyway, so I googled "Odviously" for shits & giggles today. 18, 800 other people think odviously is a word.

I dunno if this is a commentary on our society. But a lot of them made me laugh out loud b/c it's a word that you have to go balls to the wall on, virtually making it impossible to screw up without sounding like a total douche.

I.E. "It's sooo odvious."

It's sooo odvious.

-BB

2006-08-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Portugal,

Portugal,
Oh, Portugal.
City state country of wonder.
Portugal
Oh, Portugal.
Place whose continent I cannot remember.

You are important enough to be found on a globe
Unlike many countries in Africa
I have never seen Zambia in the round.
But you are not important enough in my head
To stay next to Spain.

I imagine you running amock
Bonnie and Clyde style
Holding up other countries with your
"I'm-in-the-UN-You-Daft-Twit" Huff.

Portugal.
Oh, Portugal.
I'm sure Portuguese belongs near Spanish
Like sisters at supper
But in my head, you could be near Polynesia.
Micronesia.
Or some part of Latin America.

Portugal.
Oh, Portugal.
Forgive me, dear country.
One day I will fall in love with a celebrity from your shore.
--are you on the water?--
And then I will know exactly where you are.

Sincerely,
BB

2006-08-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I decided to go to work in costume today. And that costume was bedraggled South. I have flipflops on, a messy looking tee, jeans that I patched up, and did I mention brightass red hair.

I got lured in.

L'Oreal soothed me with its promise of being an 'experte.' I smiled a little to myself in the drugstore, brushed my shoulders off. How hard could it be? The girl looked happy enough--the girl with brown hair and light brown highlights.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

I mean, I had sneaking suspicions when I saw that none of the models on the boxes show their part lines, the part where you can *see* the tops of the highlights.

Still, not to be persuaded by a little thing like fact, I forged onward.

I did the first step, the all over color. And it was a breeze.

"Experte." I wiped the steam off the mirror and smiled at myself.

Then we get to the next step--pour satchel of powder into a cream and try to create a "cake mix consistency." This made me a little worried, as anyone who knows me knows I am no chef. Still, I whisked it with my little stirring rod and thought to myself, "Well, I'm no chef, but that doesn't mean I can't bake my own cake."

I dipped the little wand in (looks like an eyelash curler), and started putting some on wispy strands of hair.

Simple.

Then I grabbed too much hair. And the cake batter glopped onto it before I could put it back. So I decided to comb it through and see how that looked. It was awful. I wet it down frantically, my little plastic gloves spreading the cake mix that was on them onto the surrounding hair. I freaked out and made pouty fish face.

"Crying solves nothing" replaced "experte" as my mantra while I continued on with the rest of my head. Because, as we all know in the theatre world, BS is an artform, and if you're gonna go, you have to go balls to the wall.

Today, people are complimenting me on the hair color. Maybe it'll grow on me. But right now, I feel like this--

Though I did get to read on a Captain Morgan's spot, so it's probably more like a pirate Pippy.

ARRRR me mateys.

2006-08-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

I got scared when a mannequin came to life today.

I was shopping this morning, and I was like walking into the 4th shop or so, and I'm looking at these two mannequins that are side by side, clumped near another pair. And one of them yawns.

I’m like Ahhhhhhh!

I didn’t faint.

But I thought about it.

Then she mentions something to her friend, the mannequin next to her. And I’m like bah! I grab a big red dress to defend myself from premeditated mannequin attack and I run away.

When I tell this story to my sister, she’s like, “Haven’t you ever seen models as mannequins?” In a tone that says anyone who’s ANYONE has had a mannequin come to life in front of them.

Apparently, this is a normal marketing phenom that's happened since the last time I went on a shopping spree. Which, I'll admit, has been a while. But not so long that mannequins should be allowed to come to life like that.

I mean, if I was like 90, I might not be here typing to you.

Of course, I doubt a 90 year old woman would know how to blog.

"New fangled gadget."

"Get me a tin can and some string."

-BB

--Interesting side note: that mannequin from Mannequin is Kim Cattrall from Sex & the City. Fo' realio.

"Call me "Emmy."
And get me a martini."

2006-08-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

This is white chocolate MAZING!

http://www.ilovepeanutbutter.com/store/index.cfm?destination=whitechocolatewonderful

2006-08-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

From the makers of

comes

Can't find a way to break off that engagement without some sort of messy interlude at your favorite restaurant? Who wants grief over their rigatoni? Just pass 'er one of these--trust me. She'll get the point.